For the first time in five years I have not looked at November 16th with a heavy heart. This was the day Darrick and I started dating, and was also the day we came back from the Disney Vacation Gone Wrong that later led to his leaving me that December.

I think this has largely to do with the fact that my new guy in my life has kept me immensely happy, and has done everything right that he did wrong. And, continues to do everything right.

I count myself lucky and grateful, even to /him/. For, if he had not been the jerk that he was 5 years ago, I would never be in the place that I am in now. Very much in love, happy and content with someone else.

So, to that I have to say - Thank you. As odd as that sounds. Because, I couldn't be happier than I am right now.

Just two more days and I shall be spending time with ALL of my favorite people! SQUEE!

One week left until I should be packed and ready for my trip to NOLA and bluekitsune's wedding. Very excited. Get to see one of my bestest friends married, and get to explore a great new place.

Here's to keeping my fingers crossed that those at work with families infected with H1N1 do not get me sick before this time.

Today is a day of immeasureable pain and I want nothing more than to go home, but cannot. I do not want to lose any time before I go away to NOLA at the end of the month.

So, pain - g'way!

It appears like I am struck with the beginnings of the Death Plague again, and right before a big trip for me - again.

I'm slightly feverish, but not overly. More a low grade fever. Got that scratchy thing at the back of my throat again which is likely just post nasal drip.

Do not want to be sick. Am going to NYC this weekend.

Meh.

When I blog about things, sometimes it's to remember things, sometimes it's to get things off of my mind, and sometimes it's just to share. Today, I remember.

In about 30 minutes, 8 years ago today, I received a phone call from a co-worker at Interactive Marketing Services, also known as New Roads.

Sherry: Good morning!

Me: Good morning, Sherry.

Sherry: I just wanted you to know that we're under terrorist attack. I thought I should share that with you this morning.

Me: Huh? Yeah. Right. Nice one there.

Sherry: (serious) No, really. We're under terrorist attack. A plane hit the World Trade center.

Me: Seriously?

Sherry: Seriously.

And, that's how my morning started out at work on September 11, 2001. There were a lot of mixed emotions. Those that had radios turned them on, to listen to the news - and had it set loud enough to share with everyone else in the office.

Those mothers and fathers with children in school, who felt they could be next, were allowed to leave for the day, liberal leave - those of us without had to stay and work. Or, try to work, through all of the shock and horror of the day.

September 11th means a lot of different things to a lot of different people. For me, it was, litereally, the day the world stood still as helicoptors, planes and all other air traffic was cleared from the skies for days on end, as we sorted through the mess of the four planes that went down, and tried to prevent other such mishaps for the day. You don't realize, especially living in the country as I did at the time, just how much noise comes from the sky with all the various bits of air traffic until it goes away. And then, it's too quiet.

For the remainder of the week I toted around my 13 inch television in order to watch it in the office, and see what was going on with the various investigations, and to listen to the various speeches made by the political officials.

This is not a day that anyone who experienced it will ever forget.

Just inserting some random silliness for the day, especially given I have not posted in awhile. Been busy, busy.

Anyway, happy triple digit day!

Today would have been my parent's wedding anniversary. I just realized what the date was. Perhaps that's why I've been so down today, aside from the other posted stuff.

Meh. If only I were a guy and forgot the dates of important events in my life, things would be easier.

I am cursed with a good memory.

It figures that for the first time in week the thing I have to write about is that I have the blehs. Or rather, the thing that I am writing about is that because I'm sure I also have all sorts of other things to talk about and just haven't found the time to sit down and type it up.

Today, I am all over the place emotionally. I partially know the reason why and it's completely irrational. The other part is that lately it feels like the world is closing in around me, squeezing tight. I know, partially, this has to do with all the traveling I've been doing this summer. It feels like there are times when I don't have time to just sit down and breathe. I am absolutely /NOT/ complaining about the travel because I get to see an absolutely wonderfully amazing person, who makes me laugh and smile all the time, which is a nice payoff.

The other part has to do largely with finances. I'm trying to budget for a vacation next summer and things will be tight. On top of that, I need to pay for new contacts out of pocket - as I opted to use my insurance to pay for my glasses. And, it just seems like, lately, money is being spent as fast as it gets into my bank account. It's been very, very frustrating. And, I know that ever since I paid off the Sears Card in such a large chunk, my mind has gone into a bit of a panic mode - IE: what if that money would be needed for other things? This goes back to the days of when I had a car that broke down every other day.

The bright spot in all of this is that I finally managed to win my battle against Bank of America, and had their rediculous 27 percent interest rate cut by 11 points. This will help immensely with getting that ginormous bill paid off. It is my distinct hope that I will be able to pay almost double what the normal payment amount will be, so I can eliminate that bill entirely.

I think what I need to do is figure out a way to get a supplemental income that does not have me working an additional 5-6 hours an evening every day of the week. Presently, I'm not doing that, but I also don't want to do that. I will figure something out, eventually. The key is to figure something out that also allows me to have some time to have some fun and relax as well.

Here's to hoping.

I wrote about this on Facebook, but this is where I keep my journal of things going on in my life, just so I can remember.

On August 4th, 2009, my uncle passed away. I don't have many of the details, but I do know, from what it sounds like, he went in his sleep. He was my father's younger brother, and the only member of his own immediate family, out of his parents and siblings and not counting his children, that he had left from when he grew up. So, in that respect, he's alone now.

My uncle did not really take good care of himself. He had a lot of health issues; some self inflicted, and some not. He'd had a heart attack, a few stints, and an angioplasties (forgive the spelling - whatever procedure they do for the heart.) He also had some respiratory problems. Yet, he still smoked quite a lot. He was at home, and he went in his sleep, as far as I've been told. I don't think there's a better way to go; certainly never in a hospital.

I did not know him well, nor his son, Brian, who died in an automobile accident years and years before him, nor his living daughter, Kim - though that can easily be changed. But, I do remember, when I was younger, spending one summer swimming off of his pier, while my parents visited at his home. We went there to visit quite a few times that year. That's what I remember most.

When I found out on Tuesday that my uncle passed away, I was calm and distant. It didn't really affect me because I hadn't known him so well. Yesterday, I was unexpectedly all over the map emotionally. I suppose, in part, it's because I can't imagine losing one of my sisters. And, in part, I'm sad for my dad.

I will admit, it perhaps strikes a bit of fear into my heart. My uncle was only a few years younger than my father, and next year my father will be 70. Ever since my mother passed away, I have always fretted after him; more so after I moved away from the house - but it was a move I had to make for myself. That doesn't mean I stopped fretting over him, I haven't.

These next two days should be interesting, as my uncle's old family and new family come together for the funeral services. I only hope that the new family remains courteous because if they don't - well, I don't know what I might do. They didn't even want to tell Kim that her father had passed, and those of you that know me well, know this strikes a hard cord with me, as one of my half-sisters did not tell the other about her father passing for 6 months. It's not only wrong, it's cruel. I just hope none of them are cruel to Kim. From what I know of her, she's a wonderful, caring person.

I always take today off. I didn't this year because I opted to do something next week with friends instead. It's not a decision I regret, but that doesn't make today suck any less.

Thirteen years ago today - depending on how to you go by things - the date or the day, today's the date, Sunday - three days ago - was the day, my mother passed away from kidney cancer. At that time, only 2 percent of the people in the world ever got the kind of cancer she had. When she discovered her cancer, it was already stage 4, terminal. She opted for quality of life over quantity, and decided to use natural medicines vs the chemicals that destroyed her body. When she was diagnosed, she was only given 3 months to live. She lived well over a year. I both dreaded and treasured every moment I had with her.

We found out the summer before my senior year in college. I was 21 at the time. It was the day of the Spring Horse show. We had a "family" meeting, which is not something we've ever had, so that in and of itself was scary. My sister Susan and my mother were not talking at the time - they'd had a falling out - so they were not at this meeting. I remember mom and dad gathered us around the kitchen table, told us about the day that they had been hit by chemicals from the farmers, how sick mom had got, and what they found as a result of mom's sickness, why she wasn't getting any better. I was in shock, numb when I found out. I remember hugging my mother tight, and volunteering to go to the 4-H Park to tell Susan. She had taken the kids to the show.

I held it together as much as I could while in front of my parents, and then broke down in the car, crying all the way to the park. I found Susan, let her know, and broke down crying again. The rest of that day was a blur.

In fact, that whole year, my Senior year in college, was a blur. Somehow, I managed to get through the year of classes. I remember that I blew off some pretty important projects, but somehow I managed to pass those classes. I have to wonder if the professors took pity, having somehow found out about my predicament. The entire year I was faced with wondering if that day would be the last day that I saw my mother. I pushed away my friends because... well... they could never understand what I was going through, and any attempts to make things better just made things worse. They couldn't know; and they didn't know how to deal with me any more than I knew how to deal with them and lean on them. I tried my best to cope, though my best was not always the best. She couldn't even make it to my graduation because she was too sick to do so. I lived that year in fear that I would be losing my best friend forever, and eventually I did.

She got very sick on July 4th, 1996 - and couldn't keep anything down. Eventually, that stopped but then a week later things got worse, so we took her to the hospital. I skipped out on work so I could go, and we had a long, harrowing day in the Emergency Room before they would even see her. The doctors came out and told us there was nothing more they could do but make her comfortable. So, she was given a room, and made as comfortable as possible. I remember being very angry at this because they really didn't even try to do anything. She was there for a long, harrowing week - which, coupled the way her own doctors treated her throughout the course of her cancer, and how they handled her in the hospital - has shattered my faith in the medical profession entirely. At best, they were unprofessional. At worst, they were jackasses to her.

Regardless of that, she had a week full of family and friends who came to visit her, including some very, very old friends who she hadn't seen in ages. They all paid their respects, and helped her with her last week. More importantly, they made her laugh and feel like a person again, not just someone who was sick. This is something she sorely missed during her year of terminal illness, something she'd confessed to me; no one talked to her anymore, and she was quite upset by that.

Eventually, on Sunday, July 21, 1996 my mother passed away, sometime in the evening. I had visited her from work earlier that day, but I did not stay very long. I stayed long enough to have a salad for dinner, tell her I loved her, kissed her on her forehead, and then went home. I remember I was in my room, online, I think on Tales of Ta'veren, when my father got the call. He asked me if I wanted to go. I didn't. I couldn't. So, I let him go on his own. I didn't want to see her that way. I wanted to remember her as my mother, not some shell of herself laying in a hospital bed. I don't regret that choice, but I do regret not spending more time with her during her final days.

I miss her dearly, even today. No one can, or will, ever understand the pain of losing a parent until they have lost one themselves. No one should ever have to understand that pain at such an early age. But, life happens.

Today is the day that I remember my mother, my best friend, and the person I confided in most. She was a wonderful person, and I will never forget her.

Now, can July be over with already?

This time, the main character of the dream was: Shia LaBeouf - aka the kid who plays Sam Witwicky in Transformers. He starred as himself, not the character Sam. In this dream I was more the casual observer, rather than anyone who played a part; the camera lense, watching and panning if you will.

Shia had gotten himself into a bit of trouble, and he was going to visit with his uncle, who he thought could get him out of trouble. He was being chased, or persued, by some people - and he wasn't sure why they were really persuing him - or why he was in trouble. There was a sense of urgency to the dream, as if he had to always keep on the move. He was also looking for something, and kept going the wrong way in looking for something.

I distinctly remember that he kept returning to a roadway that was circular, which might almost be considered a traffic circle - with exception to the fact that it was obviously going around buildings rather than a gardened section - IE: kinda like the circle in Annapolis in the gov't district, going around the church - but more cluttered with buildings than that area. He kept getting frustrated with himself, thinking to himself that eventually he would find the right road to turn down if he just kept going around it enough, and usually he did.

However, he always ended up at this structure at the edge of a cliff or something, that had a carvator (my word for a car elevator) and people had to wait their turn to go down. Not many people used this avenue of travel obviously, because there was only one and it took so long. He kept having to go back to this point, or kept ending up at this point, for some reason.

Here's the weird part. He was backing up his sleek, silver car to park it, waiting his turn, and he misjudged his position and fell over the edge. He managed to catch himself, and also hold onto the car with his legs, it was a convertible with the top down and the windshield caught on his legs, and somehow managed pull both he and the car up after climbing to the top and getting some help to pull both he and his car up over the ledge.

Then the crooks caught up with him and dumped him over the edge again, whereby he caught himself in the same place he'd just crawled up over, and had to climb back up, again, with the car. I think the exprssion I remember being used was: "You've got to be kidding me!!"

In the meantime, his uncle was working on getting him out of trouble, but obviously window of opportunity was running out.

Then my phone rang, waking me up.

Very, very weird.

I emailed this to my boyfriend this morning, but I felt it was noteworthy enough that I would also post it here:

Very odd dream last night. Very odd. Let me see if I can put it together for you.... keeping in mind I often have odd dreams.:

I was walking along in a forest, knowing that I was something different. I met several people, perhaps souls really, who were affected by a strange malady - or perhaps duality is the proper word. They were people, but they were somehow separated from themselves, and their other selves were malignant/dark in some fashion. I wanted to help them, but could not see how I could really. I was noticed and being watched as I was observing these people, and I was offered an opportunity to become like them, by other sources - demigods or Gods. I turned them down, and though they were curious, and could see my otherness, which piqued their curiosity and perhaps frightened them somewhat. My eyes were flecked with blue sparkles when the sun hit it right, and we were along a beach shoreline at the edge of the woods. They did not have time to talk to me about it because I had somewhere else to go, so I left.

And went to the 4-H park, where I was going to see my niece, Melissa S., riding. But the ring was moved, for some reason, and not at the same side of the park that it normally was at - or I recall it being, or it was a different park. I caught up with my brother in law, Melissa S's father, David, and her mother, my sister, Susan. We walked along the path to the park, and went over a bridge. I asked David about the bridge - if he built it. He replied that he had, and was very proud of it. I noted I assumed he built it because he'd built the other one for the park and he had been just as proud then as well. I noted to myself, not aloud, that they were both appropriately big enough for the crowds that the park receives, generally. We continued along in silence until we got to the stands.

I met my sister Sandy, and a younger version of two of her kids, her son Nicolas (who died in 1998) and her daughter Melissa Y. (not to be confused by Melissa S. who never made an appearance) and took a seat on the benches at the top of the benches. The announcer asked if anyone would like to entertain the crowds while we waited. Melissa Y., who sometimes sings, decided that she would. Nicolas went down with her - he's a clown and loves doing that sort of stuff for a crowd. They start some music, and very badly play some guitars, and are joined by a third party I do not recognize. Then something starts flying at the room at them, nearly hurting them.

Curious, I get up to see what it was. A four pointed piece of wood, what I can assume is enchanted somehow, is maliciously throwing spikes at them - though it fails and misses. Another piece of wood, coming to their defense, a sharp poker of sorts, fights with the four pointed piece, and stabs it.

Cut to a scene where the four pointed piece of wood has gone back to its lair. It complains to the one that stabbed it, stating it has killed its son, and slowly forms a head. Meanwhile, the slim stabbing piece transforms into a wooden old lady, who exclaimed, "What have I done?" while before her eyes the head changes colors then turns to dust.

Then my phone rang and woke me up (I use my phone as an alarm.)

So I have bit the bullet. I have paid off my Sears Card in one gigantic lump sum. This was an account that they had closed on me almost 5 years ago, for no real apparent reason. I was paying and on time each month. Jerks. So glad to be done with this card. I don't shop at Sears either after their attitude, and especially not at their gouging interest rate at the end (you know, the Credit Card company scramble to raise interest rates before the Gov't deadline to lock everything in.)

So glad to be done with this.

Next, I need to work on Bankof###Hattery (America) with their gouging 27 percent interest on an account /I/ closed over a year ago because they'd raised it to 25 percent interest. Jerks. Will be glad to be done with that one too when all is said and done, but may take me a long while before that happens. Did I mention they were jerks? No really, they are.

But, today, I'll bask in my very small sense of accomplishment.

One down, 4 more to go and a car payment.

1. Send critique notes to stephdray for her novel. I finished reading it this weekend, and I'm a few days behind on my deadline.

2. Finish the border for bluekitsune's wedding quilt topper. I had hoped to get that done before this weekend, but was unable to do so.

3. Write at least 5,000 new words for my own novel, and plan to set this as a goal each week so there is at least some forward motion, if not a ton.

4. Schedule an RP scene with Ojitar.

5. Schedule an RP scene with Torianos - long, long overdue.

6. Some much needed combat time on World of Warcraft.

And many other possible things I cannot think of at the moment - and in this exact order, so the important stuff gets done first, and I can play and do other things later.

So to speak...

I have one of my cards down to to about $1k - and there is an extra pay period this month. I have enough money saved right now that if something goes wrong, I'll be fine if I take the other half of what I need out to pay the card. This means - this card will be gone, forever gone, and I will be greatly pleased by this.

It will be paid off in its entirety - a year past my original deadline - on Wednesday.

This is a muchly pleasing thing.

One down. Four more and a car to go.

Had a great weekend this weekend. I went to stephdray and adamdray's house to celebrate. My celebrations, however, began on Friday to meet up with Steph, and help her cook for the 4th, and then together we went to bluekitsune's SSB is in Town Partay!! Because, SSB was back from NOLA for a visit (yay!). Had a grand time there, meeting her varied and sundry family members, and talking about Romance novels, etc. Then Steph and whisked ourselves back to her house, getting lost maybe once or twice going through Bethesda because her Garmin was deliberately putting on a show that it could get itself lost for my benefit (I had been dubious about the GPS machine from the beginning.)

Saturday was the party at Steph's house, where I had good food, and spent time with great people. It was a bit overwhelming, so as per usual I was trying to find a quiet corner to hide in a bit - but noticed the crowds kept following me in. Pure coincidence, but I at least did manage to find some quiet moments.

Had an absolutely fantastic weekend, and am looking forward to many more.

One of my friends is getting married in the coming months, and she is putting together a wedding quilt, whereby many different people contribute to her quilt. I finished the majority of my personal square today, though it is smallish and it seems like I'm going to have to put a border around it to fit the 12.5 x 12.5 parameters.

Here is a picture of my work:



There's at least one spot I need to patch up to make sure it doesn't come undone, but otherwise it looks like it'll be okay. Here's to keeping my fingers crossed!

My next project is to work on a wall hanging quilt (complete with cloth and pattern) that I purchased a month or so ago. Ideally, I am using this to learn how to complete something other than just toppers. Here's to crossing my fingers that I don't screw it up too much, like I almost did this one. In actuality, the pattern goes in the opposite direction for the one above than the direction I ended up with - however it all worked out well and that's what counts.

It is the middle of June already and I am wondering where the time has gone. Things have been pretty busy, and they do not look like they are going to be getting any less busy for the foreseeable future - which is not something I am complaining about. In fact, I've been enjoying myself immensely, which is a good thing. It's good to be getting out of the house, seeing people and doing things in general.

Yesterday, at work, we had a visitor. Or, rather, outside of work we had a visitor. A very pretty doe decided to come out of the woods and down by the embankment where the cars are parked. I looked up from the front desk, where I sit, and saw her eating the leaves off fo some of the trees and bushes there. She was so very content, and didn't seem to care about the people around her at all. It was nice to see a creature of nature, despite the construction that is going on in the area (they are expanding Tischer Acura to the field across from us), just being out and about and uncaring of the world around her. She eventually wondered around the side of the building, and started munching on the grass there, out in the open.