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Lately, some things have stopped having an appeal for me. I look at them and while I know deep down I enjoy doing them, somewhere the enjoyment is being zapped away, and I’m left with a feeling of cold bitterness. I think it’s time I evaluate aspects of my life and see whether or not I can continue or if a break will help me.

I know what the problem is, in part. It’s not something that has an easy or ready fix. Nothing good generally does. I’m also not sure it’s something that can be fixed. As a result, I find myself pulling away from my friends again, holing up and not going out. Yes, I go out on occasion and try to go to the things I’m invited to – and while I have a good time doing things with people it’s not a lasting feeling.

There are some things, and even people, I need to care less about. That’s easier said than done. I want to be the kind of person that doesn’t have things affect them as easily as I do. I care too much, about everything and everyone, and while some people might see that as a large boon, really it’s a large failing of mine. I’m tired of worrying about everything all the time. I want to enjoy life and have fun, without looking back over my shoulder and wondering what if this, or what if that, or should I have, or shouldn’t I have, or all the other intruding questions that plague me and make me fret on something.

Invariably – it’s part of why I’m broken. Yes, broken. I can’t trust. I can’t let myself open up to others. Won’t. It’s why I keep everyone at arm’s length. I care too much. I can’t trust myself, let alone anyone else. Sometimes just the slightest thing sets me off emotionally. It sucks, really. I don’t like who I am or who I’ve become.

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Nynrose - Lisa Christie
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