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It’s tragic that some of the things that I’ve been looking at potentially doing to get out of the house lately are so expensive or so far away that I have no desire to do them. I think if I could afford it or could find something close by for me to sink my teeth into, I’d be a much happier person.

Let’s face it. I’m a hermit. Not a closet hermit, but a true bonafied hermit. I very rarely get out of the house. When I stay home, I don’t socialize with Nancy and Scott. Rather, I save my socializing with Nancy for work, because I’m way more comfortable talking to her there than at home. It’s screwy, I know, but that’s how I feel. When I get home, I go to my room, close the door and they very rarely see me. If they do see me, it’s because this little mouse had to go downstairs for something, then quickly darts back through her hole in the wall and closes the door. Hell, even the cat that I have this love/hate relationship with wants to spend time with me, but I can’t deal with her either.

I deal with people all day at work and so at home I want to just… be me… and not worry about thoughts, impressions, etc of other people, and so I close the world off around me, watch TV, hop online or do something otherwise mind numbing. I keep myself pretty isolated from everything and everyone. I think part of that is because I have a love/hate relationship with people in general too. I’m very cynical and non-trusting when it comes to them in general. My sisters have all had raw deals and I’ve grown up around that, and school was particularly cruel to me growing up, and matters with Darrick, the one person I trusted most in my life, did nothing to help my world view on people in general. People suck.

Now, not all people suck, because obviously I have many wonderful friends, and thankfully some of them are local and I can go and visit with them, and they are rare individuals. But, yeah… that’s pretty much how I think of people in general, as a whole. It’s not a healthy impression, but I don’t know how to change that. I don’t know how to let go of all the bad and let them in. Even with my friends, I have a hard time letting them into the world that is Lisa, sharing my thoughts and feelings with them. I don’t honestly know how. So, I don’t, ever, and if I do it is one of those very, very rare moments I let anyone glimpse anything that is me.

So what are those activities I mentioned before the People Suck conversation got started? Well, I want to go riding again. I sincerely and very sorely miss it. I’d go home to ride, but the Bay Bridge is more than enough to keep me from going home on the Eastern Shore of MD to visit with my family. Friday traffic is hell and there’s no way I’d consider going home during the weekdays. Locally, an hour ride and/or lesson costs about $50, which is far too expensive for something as simple as riding a horse. I just can’t justify it. I also want to learn how to dance. I mean, really learn. It’s something I’ve always wanted to do, but just never looked into it seriously. I consider myself the suckiest, most uncoordinated person ever. I’m extremely embarrassed about even attempting to dance, and so that’s why I hide whenever I want to, and vehemently deny anyone the opportunity of seeing me dance. Sure, there are rare occasions that people get to see me doing so, but those are far and few between.

The not riding though? That’s what tears me up inside. It’s like something deep down in my soul is crying out to reconnect with a horse again. Like a part of me is really, and truly missing. There’s nothing that can ever describe the relationship a horse and rider can have, the bond that forms and the complete and utter trust that can be given between the horse and the rider. Nothing. Plus. They’re really, really good listeners. Oh, sure. Laugh. Go ahead. Snicker. You know you want to. But, they are. A horse is a constant companion you can tell anything to, and they’d never give your secret away. In fact, they might just become closer to you just for sharing that secret. At least, that’s how I feel about them. That’s my experience with them. That’s how I tamed the most stubborn pony in the world as a 7 year old girl. Well, that and sheer stubbornness and determination on my part as well. Eventually, I won him over! Eventually, I got him to trust me enough to do the things I asked of him, where he would still not do it for anyone else. I miss that. I need that. Never mind the fact that it helps to build confidence.

So, I will keep searching, for one or the other, but hope, secretly, I can find something where riding in the Bowie/Baltimore area is not so bad.

Comments

( 8 comments — Leave a comment )
bludiscus
Jun. 16th, 2006 03:18 pm (UTC)
I think opening yourself up on your LJ is a huge step toward opening yourself up and letting people in, in general. I'm proud of you for doing it.

As for horses, I hope you can find somewhere. I know how special your relationship with them has been. And I wouldn't even dream of laughing at you for it. Please, you should hear me talking to Horatio and Pippin. :P

Dancing -- what type of dancing do you want to learn? There are often instructional videos, if you felt that you wanted to start learning on your own. Do you think that would help with your reticence if you wanted to start dancing in front of others? To share my own experience, I was very scared when I first started taking belly dance lessons. It was a class at the Boston Center for Adult Education, and I felt clumsy and useless, and like I was the only one in class not getting it. The gym bunnies were the ones the teacher paid attention to. But, seven years later, I'm still dancing. I choreograph now, I've danced in front of 200 people, I've won talent competitions, I've danced in restaurants... things I never thought I would've done. Now, I'm thinking about teaching. I guess the point is, I felt horrible and clumsy at first, but look what it's turned into? And yes, I took time to study with videos, in addition to private lessons and other classes with better/nicer teachers. And I've made amazing friends because of it.

So -- what type of dancing? :)
nynrose
Jun. 16th, 2006 03:46 pm (UTC)
Heh. I talk to Goldie that way when I go home to visit with dad. You remember Goldie, don’t you? That sweet little kitten that Darrick wanted to call Tipster because he would just flop over like he was dead when he fell asleep sitting up? Gods, I miss him. Little purrball that he is when I go home. He’s getting OLD! But, anyway… Yeah. Dancing.

Not sure. Just… something. Not big. Not yet. Small. Tiny steps. Probably something boring. Donno about belly. That’s a bit risqué for me. Remember how modest I am? Yeah. That hasn’t changed. Like, ever. Though, I’m sure people who read my LJ would root for that, and then want me to demonstrate :P I won’t name names, you know who you are, and I know who you are too and that’s enough for me. Maybe once I get past the boring, I’ll consider something more exciting. But, I’ve always wanted to learn. I’m sure I’ll be scolding my feet and my arms quite a bit. Feet, arms. Now, get in gear here. Let’s not make fools of ourselves. Move, this way, that way, this way, that way. No no, you’re doing it all wrong! Doh! Look, now people are staring at you!

Course, you also remember I was that way about singing and I seemed to have gotten over that fear, somewhat, now. Just put a Grape Smirnoff Ice (mmm, grape!) in my hands, and give me Karaoke Revolution, and I’m good. *cough*.
adamdray
Jun. 16th, 2006 04:40 pm (UTC)
Steph and I took ball room dancing lessons for a while and had a lot of fun. In fact, we're considering starting up again.

I will cast my vote for belly dancing, of course, or maybe SarahScott will loan you her Carmen Elektra DVDs... er, never mind. Tiny steps.

You might enjoy a ball room class. It can be pricey though, but it also could be a way to meet new people. I dunno how many single guys take those courses though. Maybe find a dance class at a university and meet lots of 20 year-old guys. =)
nynrose
Jun. 16th, 2006 04:59 pm (UTC)
I think if the classes are less than $50 a class, and there’s a rotating schedule or something where I could pick things up as I can afford them, then that would be something I’d definitely be interested in doing. There’s a certain kind of grace and elegance to ballroom dancing, and really it lays down excellent road work to the other types of dances out there. Never mind the fact that the steps are already coordinated and are pretty much the same throughout the dance, unlike the unique, choreographed pieces you find in modern dance.

That’d be where I start, I think. Good, ol’ boring – but with enough flair to be interesting.
bludiscus
Jun. 16th, 2006 05:26 pm (UTC)
Naturally, I'm all for you learning to belly dance too. But I'm biased. I've found belly dancing, rather than being this sensual, risque thing, has been a journey of self-acceptance. There's certainly sensuality in inhabiting your body fully, but ... it's not sexual for me. The stereotype is, but most -real- belly dancers I know are in it because it's fun, and feminine. That's not to say I don't understand -- it's daunting!

But Lisa, the SPARKLES! OMGSPARKLES! ;)

I think that ballroom dance is a great place to start. There's something incredibly empowering about learning something physical, like any form of dance. Once you get over the fear of looking silly, it's fantastic.

And if you decide belly dance is something you want to try, ping me. I'll recommend some videos, or visit. Then you'd be in trouble!



adamdray
Jun. 16th, 2006 07:17 pm (UTC)
Steph and I have had no luck with videos. Maybe it's the videos we bought, and not all dance-instruction videos, but I'm dubious. There's nothing quite like a real, live gay man telling you exactly what you're doing wrong (or right) to learn it.
bludiscus
Jun. 16th, 2006 08:03 pm (UTC)
There are some good belly dance videos out there. Of course... there are also some that are complete crap. Good to know the ballroom ones aren't worth it.
bludiscus
Jun. 16th, 2006 05:29 pm (UTC)
And of course I remember Goldie. He's one of the ones we found by the Dining Hall, right? I still remember looking for stuff to feed them with, and giving them their first bath.
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