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Last Night....

This is how bad I REALLY don't want July to come. I literally cried myself to sleep last night. I'm not sure why this year is worse than any other year in the past. I suppose it could be because it's the 10 year mark.

It will be 10 years this July that my mother got so sick on the 4th of July that almost anything she ate that day came back up. Everyone was worried and concerned for her and we didn't go out that evening because she was feeling ill. She got better the next day. We thought it was a side effect of the blood transfusion her doctor insisted she get.

It will be 10 years on July 10th that she was home for the very last time. We rushed her to the hospital because she absolutely could not keep anything down at all. It was the last time I really got to hug her, ever.

It will be 10 years on July 19th that my mother slipped into a coma. It was the last time I got to talk to her coherenly. She saw one of her old best friends, who was a home nurse, and thought she was going home that day. My father, in the meantime, was making funeral preparations already, which I was very angry for. I was sharing my mother's optimisim at that point that maybe she'd get to come home.

It will be 10 years on July 21st that I got to see my mother for any length of time again. One hour. That's all the time I had for her that day. Well, maybe a little longer. I had gone in to see her after work, got dinner at the hospital, ate it in her room, and read a book. I talked to her a little bit, though it felt awkward to do so, and went home. Later that night we got the call. She'd slipped away. My sister Susan had been with her when it happened. Dad went to the hospital to say goodbye. I couldn't. Not yet. I waited until the funeral.

I never really said goodbye.

So, I am very much thinking that I am not going anywhere this weekend. I am coming home, crawling into bed and pulling the covers over my head and very firmly just not dealing with the world or the new month coming or anything else. I will very firmly be refusing to even acknowledge that July is here. I don't think I can be very social at all this weekend in the mood that I am in. I'd be no fun for anyone.

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( 4 comments — Leave a comment )
vickitori09
Jun. 30th, 2006 01:54 pm (UTC)
Having been through counseling myself, I think you may want to consider this yourself. Talking about this with someone and exploring how this time of year might be better met emotionally may be something you want to explore. Losing someone so close will never get easier, but facing the anniversary each year may with help. *hugs*
bludiscus
Jun. 30th, 2006 02:55 pm (UTC)
Do remember that just because you think you're no fun, doesn't mean people don't want to be around you.

nynrose
Jun. 30th, 2006 03:17 pm (UTC)
I don’t care if people want to be around me. It sounds selfish, and probably is selfish, I know, but I don’t want to be around anyone. It won’t help. Coming to work was very difficult this morning. Usually, on days like today, I stay home. I couldn’t do that today. There’s just too much stuff to get done. I’ll muddle through. I always do. But, I really just needed to post how I felt, especially as I said I was going to be posting no-holds barred.
bludiscus
Jun. 30th, 2006 09:58 pm (UTC)
*hug* Now, that's something else altogether. It's not selfish to take the time you need for yourself and be alone. It's... sane. And important.

And I didn't mean to censure you, by the way. Not my intent at all, dear. I really just meant that if *you* wanted to be around people, then friends should suck it up and deal, and accept that you're in a difficult period and still want to be around you. Trust me, not going to fault you for just wanting to be alone right now. I misunderstood, and hadn't read that as 'I don't want to be around other people.'

And I'm PROUD of you for posting how you feel! Keep it up. Again, I'm sorry if it sounded like I was shaking my finger at you. I just wanted to remind you that there are people who care and want to be around you no matter what. *HUG*
( 4 comments — Leave a comment )

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