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General Ramblings

I don’t have many goals for my life, per say. My future often seems bleak, because I can’t see beyond getting through the day. I can’t imagine what my life will be 10 years from now, much less a week from now. Everything is always uncertain with me, so I’ve never really formed any strong attachments to anyone or anything, yet I find myself always yearning for those sorts of attachments and being close to someone, anyone, that I could simply put all my faith into and just ‘be’ with, either as a friend, confidante, or something more. Even with Darrick I kept him at arms length. I wouldn’t let him ever get that close to me. Life is an ambiguous blob to me, so to speak. And often times I wonder -- why bother with anything at all?

But over time, more so recently than ever before, I’ve been sitting down and thinking about things; life, family, friends, goals, opportunities, etc, etc, etc. I reflect. I consider. I wonder. I stress. I contemplate. I worry. I hope. I dream. I’ve come to a few realizations. It’s taken me some time to make the decisions I’ve made. It’s taken me some time to work through my issues. I think I’m comfortable with those things I’ve considered, or at least not as uncomfortable with the idea of certain things anymore – like, say, having a family. Though, that still requires finding the right person to have a family with and a whole lot of other issues.

It might sound crazy, but I think getting a new car and achieving one of my more major goals has helped put some of those things into perspective. I was able to do something I never thought I’d ever be able to do. I just didn’t think it was possible for many, many reasons, but I accomplished something I thought was impossible. It’s an empowering sort of feeling. It feels as though a large weight has lifted from my shoulders, and has made it seem like anything is possible.

Sure, anything was possible before, but I’m more of a “I’ll believe it when I see it” sort of person because more often than not I’m disappointed in the lot that life has given me. It’s…. refreshing. New. Exciting. It’s put me in a better place; a happier place. It makes life seem not so bleak and unable to be endured. I still have to be careful. I’ll always be careful. I think, though, I’m finally able to move on and put some of the baggage that has been a part of my life behind me; even, perhaps, my mother’s death. The Jeep I was using was hers. It factored into a great many things that she did. Replacing it didn’t mean she was replaced, but it was a final goodbye in a sense.

So, now I live in a world of infinite possibilities, rather than a looming doomed sense of no possibility.

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( 2 comments — Leave a comment )
ariosa
Oct. 11th, 2006 02:01 pm (UTC)
Awesome :)
usurpingivylj
Oct. 11th, 2006 07:34 pm (UTC)
Overcoming the "impossible" leads to confidence, and I'm glad to see you bucking up, hon! If you want it bad enough, you can make it happen. :)
( 2 comments — Leave a comment )

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