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Musings...

With Nancy and Scott being on their diet and trying to lose weight, and my going to Seattle in a few months, I have been trying to walk with them (more or less) on a daily basis around the neighborhood. There are some days that I don’t quite make it, however. I have discovered that the best time for me to do this is right after work, as soon as I get home. I find if I try to do it at any other time that I’m not inclined to do it at all. Rather, if it’s not right after work, I’m more inclined to go upstairs and plop myself in front of my computer.

That’s gotten me to thinking. I really, really like having that sort of structure in my life. I like having things planned. I can count on going out and doing something at least once a day, every day. Or, on Wednesdays, I know I can count on the Oshta Family dinner on Firan. It helps me to be able to better plan other things I might like to do.

And, thinking further back, this is exactly the sort of thing I used to do every day when I was younger and living at home and had my horse. Every day, after school, I’d drop off by books, grab a snack, go down to the barn – which was conveniently located at our house -- maybe give my horse, Whinney, a carrot or an apple, groom her, tack her up and go riding for several hours at a time. We did what I lovingly referred to as “The Block”. “The Block” was about a five mile stretch of road within the country that we rode nearly every day unless it rained, complete with the Holstein cows (brown and white) that she ever so hated. It was a time when we were free of worry or concern, left everything behind us, and simply enjoyed the outdoors (or, at least I did, but I know she loved running too when we ran!). They were good times.

I think I’ve started to associate my afternoon walks with my old afternoon riding sessions, and compare the two. While I’m not riding my horse anymore, she’s long since passed away, and I’ve only been walking for this past week, I’ve come to enjoy them. It’s a nice time for me to relax after work, even though generally I don’t want to chat after work, and do something that productively affects my health. Of course, my evil little goal, outside of Seattle, is to make myself strong enough to start riding again.

My mother’s death affected me in such a way that I don’t think anyone but those who’ve lost a parent could truly understand. I never bounce back well from bad things that happen, and it usually takes just one bad experience for me to back off of something or someone for good and forever. When she died, I pretty much let everything about me to go the wayside because I, quite simply, didn’t care. I think it’s a good thing I’m finally ready to put the past behind me and to look to the future again, and have something to do that pushes me to do just that. It’s as though some dark shadow is finally parting from my life, and it’s been a long, long road to find that sort of inner peace again, and I have.

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( 4 comments — Leave a comment )
fiddle_dragon
Apr. 4th, 2007 01:57 pm (UTC)
Rather, if it’s not right after work, I’m more inclined to go upstairs and plop myself in front of my computer.

I am exactly the same way - particularly this week and I have no other commitments!!!!
nynrose
Apr. 4th, 2007 02:02 pm (UTC)
It's all too easy to just heed to the call of doing something else, but I'm finding I really, really want to walk. This is why I made the effort yesterday, when Nancy and Scott went out of town, to use the treadmill. I'm not comfortable walking around the neighborhood alone, even if it is a nice neighborhood, so it's good to have that alternative.
adamdray
Apr. 4th, 2007 03:44 pm (UTC)
I've noticed the change in you recently and I like what I see. You seem, if not exactly happier, more self-confident and more like you know who you are.
nynrose
Apr. 5th, 2007 07:54 pm (UTC)
I think all things considered, and combined, I grew to rely on Darrick so much that he was part of my identity, so I lost myself for a time there. I didn't know who I was without having someone there to support me. It's quite an unsettling thing. Over these past three years, I've learned how to become an individual again, and while I do really miss having someone in my life to share it with, I can also gladly say that I'll be fine on my own as well. Really and truly fine. It's comforting to have reached that point again.
( 4 comments — Leave a comment )

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