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Time For Change

I've had the second most horrible day in my entire life. But, despite that, I think things will be alright. It might be just the nudge that I needed in order to get things in order. I hope. I have to hope. Because if I don't have hope, then I have nothing. So, hope is what I'm clinging to. The mere speck of a chance that things will get better, over time. And, in getting better that I'll change and become a better person.

I want that. Change. And becoming a better person. I am, often times, the most gloomy, depressed person people could know. Or, at least one person in particular. I've let certain events in my life change me, without even realizing that I've changed.

I've been told that I was once a talkative individual. I don't recall ever being that way. Well, except - when I have a topic that I know and can join in on, then I can talk and talk and talk. I know I can talk then. But I've been told that I used to intiate conversations - I don't recall ever doing this. But then, much time has passed, and I've got fleeting memory that swiss cheese has - holes for brains.

I've been told I was a happier, less depressed individual. I have always recalled myself being rather cynical of the world - never too happy. But I might have smiled more. I'll give people that much. But, it's true. I have, over the years, become more and more not like my old self; which apparently was a turn for the worse.

I've been told that I used to be more active. This is true. So true. Right now, I come home and sit in front of a computer. Depressing, isn't it? It's something I need to stop doing. I need to change my routine in my life. I need to do more for myself - and for others.

I've been told that I push people away. I do. I know I do. I sometimes even see myself doing it and wonder if I shouldn't be doing the opposite instead - but then there's this selfish part of my mind that thinks maybe the other person will notice what I'm doing and try and stop me. Don't ever do that. Don't ever push people away. If they want to help you, let them. I learned that lesson the hard way. Also, don't ever let people not talk to you about things. It causes problems. Major problems.

How am I going to change? I don't know. What I do know is that change is needed. Change is a big and scary thing, but it's necessary. And, I need to change. I do know that a big huge, collasal change is soon coming up in my life. I can only hope and pray that it will be the start of a very long path to further change, and that in the process I'll find myself once more. Find the person that I used to be, or - grow beyond that person and become a better person.

One can only hope, and I cling to hope.

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Nynrose - Lisa Christie
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