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After Eleven Years....

Darrick's decided that everything between us is over - except that he doesn't want to lose me as a friend. This, after we bought a house for the both of us. His timing was more than lousy. It was shitty.

He's said that he's felt this way for a long time now, but didn't feel he could tell me. He didn't think we could communicate and work things out, so instead he just let things go. He didn't feel he was able to be himself around me. That I was bringing him down and I was always depressed. He felt my greated flaw was not being over my mother's death.

His greatest flaw was that he was unable to communicate these things to me so I could get help, since he felt I needed it. Or that he couldn't communicate that he felt differently about us for the last year - as he's put it. Communication works both ways.

Oh, there were other issues. My time spent on the computer - which is more than what an average person should spend doing anything really. Not giving him enough attention, contact or focus. And other little things. Things that might not have been of a concern if they didn't all add up together in the end. I asked him about counseling for the both of us, couples counseling. He didn't feel that it would work because of our issues outside of the relationship. Namely, my mother's death. That took place seven years ago. Instead, he feels not only I, but my whole family, should seek counseling for that.

I asked him why he waited until now to tell me about all this, rather than when we were looking for the house. His response was that he was caught up in finding a place to live. I think things would have gone much easier on the both of us if we didn't have this huge hunking question mark before us. What to do about the house.

My plans? Well, the house is in 'civilization'. Those of you who know me may or may not know that currently I live in the middle of nowhere. Literally. Big 200 acre corn field, with nothing in sight for about 50 miles or so. Well - except for small towns, and they only get you so far. My plans are to move into the house, for now. But, I have reservations about doing that.

My reasons for moving there are simple. I'd be kidding myself if I were to say it's not to be with Darrick. He's living there too. That'd be part of the reason, but I have to come to grips that he's found someone else in his life. Two weeks after we settled on the house, no less. The house is in a central location of where I can go out and do things - not sit around the house and lament about driving 50 miles out of the way. Most things at the house take about 10-20 minutes to get to, including jobs that would likely pay better than anything anyone can find here. I'd also be closer to those friends that I've made on the other side of the Bay Bridge of Maryland (the Western Shore). The Eastern Shore has very little to offer.

So where do I stand with my feelings toward Darrick? I'm not sure. But, where before I was confused as anything about where I stood and what was expected of me, now I have a pretty good idea of what's what, and what to expect - including potentially running into this girl that Darrick is now seeing.

Last night we talked for an hour and a half and he said it was the first time he felt he could really open up to me in a long while. He thinks it's because of the girl he's seeing, because she allows him to be himself. That could be true. Or, it could also be that I'm handling things far better than I probably should be. I do know that I'm likely still in for more than my fair share of hurt. He's already moved on, and apparently has for quite some time. Me, I'm stuck trying to figure things out for myself.

The one thing I get out of this experience is I have learned what I need to work on. I'm not the super person I try to make myself out to be when dealing with stressful situations. I can take what's happened, think back and learn from those experiences. I just wish he'd have been more forward with me about our issues so things didn't come to this point. All in all, I think I'm in a good place now. At least, I don't hurt. Not like I have been. I'm in a place where I can move on, but slowly, taking one day at a time. The real test will be meeting the girl - and seeing how much that will hurt me. I'll get that chance this weekend.

Comments

( 6 comments — Leave a comment )
vickitori09
Dec. 31st, 2003 07:56 am (UTC)
*hugs lots and lots*

Gosh - so much of this sounds like my life right now. I would really suggest counseling, as it seems to be helping my husband and I a bit, but... What a complete and utter ass for him to get involved with someone else. And for not telling you sooner. That makes me really mad. *hugs* It sounds like he's avoiding his issues by getting involved with someone else rather than dealing with how he feels about your relationship. Arm chair psychologist me.

I've always thought of you as a very strong woman, for as little time as I've known you. I hope things work out in a way that you won't be too terribly hurt and will always lend an ear if you ever want/need it.

*hugs again*
bluekitsune
Dec. 31st, 2003 08:06 am (UTC)
*bighugs*

It's one thing to have doubts and try to work on them. It's another to wait until it is far too late, start seeing someone else, and imply that the problem is largely centered on the other person. I like Darrick a lot, but he's being immature and selfish in his handling of this whole situation.

if there's anything I can do to help, let me know. *hughughug*
lizily
Dec. 31st, 2003 08:12 am (UTC)
This just utterly boggles my mind. And quite frankly, though you did get the house, at least you didn't get into a harder to clean up marriage with this guy. *hughughug* Just know you got friends here who will listen as you get through this.
liakela
Dec. 31st, 2003 10:32 am (UTC)
Even if you -were- the primary reason for this relationship's failure (And I am not convinced that you are), Derrick is being wholly and COMPLETELY unfair to you. I mean, as you said, he's already dealt with the loss of the relationship and moved on. He's not given you the benefit of that luxury, and if he has a problem with you expressing your emotions about that-- too fucking bad.

I'm pissed of -for you-, but then, maybe that's better than you being pissed off just yet. If it were me, I would have him buy you out of your half of the house. Move on, get your own place. You don't need that sort of Android in your life.
stephdray
Dec. 31st, 2003 12:14 pm (UTC)
I also like Darrick quite a bit, but think that his handling of this is immature and destructive. There are classy ways of breaking things off with people when you're unhappy--this is not one of them.

He has left you in a terrible situation, given you no chance to fix the problems, and shoved all of the responsibility for it onto you. And instead of trying to fix the problems between you two, he's tortured you for the past month while putting -his- attention and focus onto a new relationship--one which he will bring the same problems to.

You're going to be fine in the long-run, but I know the short-run hurts. You should be angry, and you should move on in your own way. You're strong and you're beautiful and you're brilliant. There are going to be lots of opportunities for you if you seek them out. *hugs*
isik
Jan. 1st, 2004 05:27 am (UTC)
Oh... my... ma'am. This is no doubt very difficult and not in the least in the timing. When you should be curling up for the winter with friends, family and loved ones... you instead get this bombshell. I realize we only have incidental contact but I did wish to mention my sympathy on the matter and my hopes for the best for you.

-r
( 6 comments — Leave a comment )

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