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The Other Me...

Well, not really. It's still all me, but it's the me that no one gets to see because I hide it very well. It the part of me that pops out during days like yesterday, when I have bad feelings that everything will go wrong. It's the me that whispers to me very cleverly and deceptively that I'm a nothing, a nobody and a loser. Sometimes, it's easy to believe that me. Other times, I tell it to shut up. Somtimes it works and sometimes it doesn't.

It comes from years of being put down by my peers when I was younger, always on the outside, never joining in and from my biggest supporter being gone from this life. My mother. It's easy to be surrounded by friends and people who love you, and still feel terribly, terribly alone. My life is a constant series of peaks and valleys. It's not unique, everyone goes through those.

A large of that is because of me. I'm afraid of opening myself to people and being hurt. I am a strongly emotional person and I wear my heart on my sleeve. I have very few people that I call friend because of this. I don't have any 'best' friends that I can call and talk to. If I did I wouldn't know what to say. Conversation fails me in most every occassion. Those who can come up with a stream of converational topics amaze me and put me to shame.

People know the me that I put forward, the quiet, shy girl who rarely ever speaks. She keeps herself carefully cloistered away from life - keeping away herself ingornant of the world and about life in general. That girl may occassionally spew a few details about her life, but otherwise remains the recluse. She doesn't want to be that girl anymore.

It's time to make some changes in my life. Revaluate things. Where I want to go. What I want to do. Put a plan into action. Be the person I want to be. Not the person that I am. Fears need to be conquered. Dreams realized. Effort put into action.

It will not be easy. Life isn't easy. Life never is easy. Change isn't either. It will be scary. I will be frightened. But, maybe in the end I will be a happer person.

Please, no posts on how strong I am. I'm not. I'm lonely. I'm timid. I'm vulnerable. I am not strong. I let life pass me by.

Comments

( 5 comments — Leave a comment )
darthbek
Jul. 30th, 2004 06:36 am (UTC)
Strength is a misconception. The strongest person will cry, will feel lonely, will have moments of doubt. Strength isn't the absence of those, it's the ability to get /past/ those and persevere. It's character. It's hope.

And conversation is overrated sometimes too ;) I think you're lovely 'just as you are,' but, if you're not satisfied with that, then I think you're lovely in transition. I'll support you from afar, and know that I'm always an email, LJ post or a page away. Heck, you still have my phone number, right? I'm really just a call away, but, I know how tough that is to do. The option is there m'dear. ;)
jacobine
Jul. 30th, 2004 06:54 am (UTC)
A large part of everything is accepting who you are -- and I think you've done that; you seem to at least know yourself, and that's more than a lot of people can say.

That said, I can understand the loneliness thing -- I tend to be the same way, and the constant feeling of standing just on the outside, not knowing how to go in.
taintedanddark
Jul. 30th, 2004 07:08 am (UTC)

Changes come with big steps set forward by new realizations. You're not finding a new self, you're finding the inner-self that you know will make you stronger and confident enough to achieve what you desire.

I'd hate to meet expectations and comment on this, but I still go back to FC and that Friday night when you looked absolutely incredible. You were still a little shy, a little timid, but in all the right ways. You were not 'don't look at me'-Lisa, you were 'look at me'-Lisa.

Being lonely, timid, and vulnerable and still stepping out into the world is what makes you strong. It's simply one of those things, we are strongest when we're most vulnerable and yet still we are able to move forward.

You're allowed 'hide from the world' time so that you have the strength to face it, and you have your goals.

*snugs lots* Sometimes it's best to look upon scary changes as fun, because you get to see them from outside yourself and see what they might bring.

(Deleted comment)
khall
Aug. 4th, 2004 09:45 pm (UTC)
       You're so wonderful. For what it's worth, you make a valuable contribution to my life, just being tangentally part of it. I adore you.;)

When the going get's tough, just say this in your head: http://www.bash.org/?12055

K.
( 5 comments — Leave a comment )

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