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Regrets

Some people have no regrets, but I have many regrets in life. Sometimes they're like a burden that hang around my neck often times weighing me down. Other times they are sneaky little critters that creep up on me years later and I didn't realize them until it was too late to do anything about it. The thing about regrets is you can't go back and fix them, but you can learn from them... hopefully... and not repeat the same mistakes. Unfortunately, with regrets, there's also the emotional baggage that comes with it all that does damage to your psyche.

Damage has been done to mine. I know it need repairing. I know it's not going to be an easy thing to do. There will be times when I come down hard on myself. There will be times when I'll be happy about my accomplishments. There will certainly be times of indecision, and uncertainty. Life is filled with uncertainty. The future, especially, is filled with uncertainty. I suppose that's why I've never really planned for it. I don't know how, and couldn't even begin to imagine how one would.

I regret rooming with my best friend from High School in college. My parents warned me that it would turn out bad, that we would hate each other, but I assured them that things would be fine. That I'd survive. Things weren't fine, though I did survive. I ended up not talking to the person ever again. They were right.

I regret that during the summer before my Freshman year in college, I became the source of a conflict between my sister Susan and my mother. Granted what I said to Susan was at my parents' urging, I still did it. She was shocked I said what I said, I could tell she was, and my parents were clueless. I didn't think their urgings through - nor did they really. She took what I said to have the wrong implication. I realized too late how she felt, and called her on it immediately. Ss a result, she didn't blame me - even though I felt I should be the one blamed - she blamed my parents. She didn't speak to our mother for four years, and the only thing that caused her to talk to our mother again was the fact that she was dying of cancer.

I regret that I didn't spend enough time with my mother while she was dealing with her cancer. She was lonely and confused. She told me outright how much it hurt that no one talked to her anymore. I tried my best to deal with the situation - often times my way of dealing with it was just not deal with it at all, and to immerse myself in a world of fantasy. I gamed. That's how I coped. My father warned me that I might come to regret it later. I assured him I'd be fine. Truth is, I do wish I had spent more time with her. I also wish everyone else had too. I at least lived at the house, so I had no excuse. They didn't, but my sister's still could have made an effort.

Lastly, and most importantly, I regret spending 11 years of my life with a person who I thought I knew, but it turns out I didn't know at all. Oh, yeah, sure, he was there to support me, but he wasn't at the same time. He couldn't understand my grief, my pain, my upset and my hurt. Yet, even then, he had me snowed. My father tried to warn me. I didn't listen. I have to learn these things on my own, you know. I had faith and trust in him. That trust was shattered. And now, because of him, I'm not sure I can allow myself to trust again. At least, not in that all encompassing way that I did with him.

I am bitter and I am angry; angry because I don't want to go through life not trusting anyone again. That's no way to live life. I want to find someone, settle down, be happy and more importantly trust them. I have a long way to go, yet. I only hope that if that person does come into my life that he'll be patient with me as I learn to trust all over again. I don't want any more regrets to add to my list, those are enough.

Comments

( 4 comments — Leave a comment )
liakela
Nov. 8th, 2004 06:21 am (UTC)
I've had plenty to regret in my life as well, but one quote that I repeat to myself often:

"Regrets are a waste of time. They're the past crippling you in the present."

--Katherine, Under the Tuscan Sun.
bludiscus
Nov. 8th, 2004 06:32 am (UTC)
I certainly understand regret -- as you've said, the only thing you can do is learn.

Regarding trusting people, please remember that not everyone sucks as much as He Who Shall Remain Nameless. When the time is right, you'll be able to trust again, but as with most things, you've got to have time to heal. I so know how it feels. Five years later, all I can do is thank whatever powers may be that I got out of that situation; in a few years, I hope you'll feel the same way.

Regarding your mother, try not to blame yourself too much. I think she knew (knows?) how much you love her, and everyone has to deal with these things as best they can. There's no one right way. I don't think any time you could possibly have spent with a loved one who has passed would be enough. It never is. :(

*hug*
liakela
Nov. 8th, 2004 06:42 am (UTC)
>When the time is right, you'll be able to trust again, but as with most things, you've got to have time to heal.

This is so very true. Take the time to heal, and to get right with yourself. Poke inwardly and rediscover all the great things about you. Mostly because if you can't see them, others won't be able to, either (usually).
khall
Nov. 10th, 2004 02:52 pm (UTC)
       Every awful thing that's ever happened to me has made me the person I am today. It's made me stronger or more at peace with myself or have a more realistic view of people and how the world works. I have some things I wish I could undo, or have had not happen. But...I don't regret any of them. Because then I wouldn't be who I am today. *hugs tight* The people who care about you adore you. And you're an incredible person.

K.
( 4 comments — Leave a comment )

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