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Rambling, Rambling, Rambling...

More Ramblings....

More time to think, more time to reflect. The events of the past year have been a learning and a growing experience. I think because of them I've become a stronger person in some ways and a weaker person in others. But, I think things happened for the best. I've found some time to go over my diaries, of long past when I used to keep them, and discovered that even then I wasn't so certain that the life I was leading was the one I wanted for myself. I was happy with Darrick, but I wasn't at the same time and yearned for something more. Stuck in a rut, I think I called it.

I've realized that Darrick and I fell out of love a long time ago. Like, years ago, we just didn't realize when we stopped loving each other and became simply two people that were clinging to something that was comfortable. I don't want that for my future... to cling to what's comfortable. I want the real deal. Unfortuantely, I have little faith that I'm going to find the real deal. My standards and ideals are too high. My walls are too thick. More importantly, one doesn't find love or companionship sitting home at an apartment and not meeting people.

But at the same time, I'm not so bad off. I'm out of two bad living situations. The first was with my father, and while I love him dearly there are little things he does to drive me crazy. He and I never saw things on the same level and were never able to communicate well. That, and I'm his little girl, the baby, who will never grow up in his eyes. The latter is the more irritating part. The second was with Darrick. His controlling manners, how he always had to be right, and his insistance that he was God (yes, he did insist), even though he was not. I didn't have to move into the house, yet at the same time I did. It was the principle of the thing that I had bought it with Darrick. And, while my blood pressure had risen beyond normal proportions while I was there, it was an experience I think I needed in order to have a serious wakeup call about him. I'd blinded myself to everything to keep my idea of comfort, despite the comfort not being there.

Because of it, I am a much better person now. While I'm still pretty niaeve about the world, too trusting and all too ready to believe what people say, I'm not as niaeve as I once was. I've grown. I've matured. Ever since moving out of the house and into my own place, I've also started rediscovering myself. I've started doing little things that I once enjoyed, crafting and sewing, watching television and movies, and reading books without interruption. I've started to yearn to do some of the things I once used to do, riding, skating and joining other social functions. These were all things that made me the person I was. When I was with Darrick, I stopped doing these things because they didn't involve him. He wouldn't try the things I liked that could be done as a couple, and he got upset whenever I did the smaller things that didn't include giving him some sort of attention. He was pretty selfish, yet he was the one that called me such.

I've gained some confidence while being out on my own, though not much. I'm a bit bolder than I was, though I've found sometimes that's more to my detriment than a boon. I've once more discovered that sense of adventure and life I used to have, which died away years ago. I'm becoming "me" again. That's a very, very good feeling. I liked the person I was, before my mother died. While I was in no means strong or confident then, I'd started to find my way before. I'm just sad that it took me 8 years of searching to rediscover myself again. There are people who helped the process along the way, new friends and old. Being able to get out and socialize has been one of the best things for me.

And now, I'm able to put that chapter of my life behind me. The settlement is complete. The house is his, and the check will be in the mail soon. I no longer have to worry about being cheated, as the title company sent a separate check. I can move forward, live life to my fullest, and enjoy the adventures it has in store for me without looking back, but also keeping in mind what mistakes I've made in the past so I do not make them again in the future. I continue to maintain the faith that the future has better things in store for me than what my past had given me.

Comments

( 9 comments — Leave a comment )
bludiscus
Feb. 23rd, 2005 02:40 pm (UTC)
I'm glad you're finding peace. You are so much more than Darrick made you. He was a very selfish person, and I remember you often saying you felt like you were in a rut.

I'm still very sorry that things happened the way they did, but I'm really proud of the way you've stood up for yourself, and the way that you've built your own life.

I know that the thought of being alone isn't a great one, but gods, it's so much better than the alternative of being with the wrong person.

*You* are worth so much more. Please remember that when you're feeling down. You've gone through so very much in the past eight years, and I think you've come out much stronger for it.
nynrose
Feb. 23rd, 2005 10:03 pm (UTC)
I'm glad you're finding peace. You are so much more than Darrick made you. He was a very selfish person, and I remember you often saying you felt like you were in a rut.

Yeah, I did many, many, many times. I think there was a time when I even attempted to break up with him, but when he called I caved in and gave in to him. I should have, years ago, in retrospect. I know there was certainly a time when I wanted to start seeing other people, but I didn't, which goes back to what I was saying before about sticking with something because it was comfortable.

I'm still very sorry that things happened the way they did, but I'm really proud of the way you've stood up for yourself, and the way that you've built your own life.

Things happen for a reason. I suppose I needed to do this for myself in order to move on and build my life. I'm just sorry it took me so long to realize this was what was needed.
adamdray
Feb. 23rd, 2005 03:00 pm (UTC)
You're a strong person. You've survived a lot and come out of it with your character intact. I like who you are and look forward to getting to know you better, even as you grow.
ashamanmat
Feb. 23rd, 2005 04:07 pm (UTC)
Now that’s the right attitude to have :D you go girl...
rathess
Feb. 23rd, 2005 05:18 pm (UTC)
Hey, I first want to say Amen to all the comments, but then add something else (a bit more humorous)

Your comment above (More importantly, one doesn't find love or companionship sitting home at an apartment and not meeting people.) makes me think of something that happened at adelinfdm and my wedding. See, what had happened before we met adelinfdm's mother told her she'd never meet anyone on the internet. So at our reception adelinfdm reminded her mom about this... she and I met on a MUSH. :D
adamdray
Feb. 23rd, 2005 05:28 pm (UTC)
So did Steph and I. And others I know. You can meet great people on the net.
nynrose
Feb. 23rd, 2005 09:59 pm (UTC)
And you and Steph have a very happy and very wonderful life together too. It proves it can work, for some people :)
nynrose
Feb. 23rd, 2005 09:58 pm (UTC)
I'm not discounting that at all. I know lots of great people who met through the net and have gotten together and even gotten married. I applaud them for it. I'm not saying that won't happen for me, but I also know how quiet and reserved I mostly am. It takes ages for me to become comfortable with a person, personally speaking, even if I've known them from the net for years and years. The relationships are completely different because you no longer have the protection of a computet screen to hide behind. Trust me, I do know this from first hand experience as I've dated or met up with at least three people from the net. It just didn't work out.
rathess
Feb. 24th, 2005 12:53 am (UTC)
Too true. It fails much more often than it works. I had... hrm, 2 or 3 failures... adelinfdm had a number also. Just was pointing out the humor more than anything else.... (or trying and failing to depending on your POV)
( 9 comments — Leave a comment )

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