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Dark Musings...

This is a product of when I have too much time on my hands at work, and not enough to do to keep me busy.


Too naive. Too gullible. Too trusting. Too caring. Too easily duped. Too many raw emotions.

That's me. In a nutshell.

When someone says something, I tend to believe it wholeheartedly unless given reason to do so otherwise. What's worse is I have a long memory and don't forget the things I probably should. Or, I cling to things people say that offer me some sort of hope for one thing or another.

These are all problems that have no viable solution. There are solutions, but they're not ones that should be taken. Those solutions?

To stop believing. To stop caring. To stop feeling. To stop trusting. To stop risking.

Just when things start to look good, something happens to set them back again. They seem like very viable solutions when that happens.

Lately I've been considering all four, rebuilding all the walls that I've let come down in the last year and shutting people out of my life.

It's a defense mechanism, no matter how many people I'd hurt in the process, or in the end that I'd get hurt more by it.

It's the easy thing to do.

Comments

( 3 comments — Leave a comment )
bludiscus
Mar. 3rd, 2005 10:09 pm (UTC)
Dear -- when have you ever done the easy thing? >:) I *know* you're more stubborn than that!!

Don't give up. There will always be setbacks. I would hate to see you put those walls up again; they make me scared for you.

You will get through this. Things will get better.
nynrose
Mar. 4th, 2005 04:38 am (UTC)
Well, you're right. I never do the easy thing. No, instead, I make things harder on myself. Sometimes, there's just a point where giving up is the only option you have left open to you. I think I'm reaching that point. Not in any serious I'm gonna do something bad way.... just.... I donno.

At least something good happened before the end of the day. Perm job = good stuff.
isik
Mar. 5th, 2005 05:00 am (UTC)
Sorry to poke my nose in here, ma'am but... well, first things first. Congratulations on the permanence! From what I have gleaned, you were settling in well enough I had no doubts it would come eventually but it is always nice when those kind of things DO come.

As to the other... I hope that the ties you have made and maintained will ease you out of the hole you seem to be dancing around the edges of. Take it as a given, Real Life is kind of a.. well, various and sundry bad words. But, I have never known it to not go in cycles. She will not beat you down without letup, if only due to the fact that it can be more fun to let you recover, see hope once more and then cheerfully trample it again.

Things will get better and you are an amazing person because you DO trust. You do believe and care. Do not give that up, hopefully it will never get so bad that you do feel it necessary because... well, at that point, it just feels like you have lost, that what you are has lost meaning.

Anyway, sorry for rambling.

-r
( 3 comments — Leave a comment )

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