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Response to Trust Issues....

This post is in response to a comment made by bludiscus in the following post: Romatic Movie Night: Food for the Soul..... I figured it was best if I just made this into it's own post, since the comment would have likely gotten cut off anyway........

Like I said the whole trust thing extended beyond that --- way before Mom's death. And, despite what I said earlier in the LJ about keeping some stuff private, I feel like I'm in a sharing mood.

Middle and High School were particularly cruel. The people I trusted most abandoned me. It's was natural, moving off to form your own cliques after blending in with all the new kids from all the other school districts that merge into your school. Trust wasn't about being abandoned entirely. It was how I was treated when I was abandoned by people I thought were my friends, which was... ostracized. Never really formed close relationships to anyone after that, and the one set of people I did form a very close bond with moved. The Barkers went to Utah, and my friend Adam Freeman (aka Keychain -- though I never called him that) went to Hawaii for a semester of High School. So, I felt pretty isolated and alone after that. Didn't really have a group of people to hang out with after that.

In between, during this particular period of my life I was nearly raped by a person I trusted and who I'd hung out with for 2-3 years, who was the child of my sister's neighbor. I never told anyone that and I don't even think my sister knew about it -- though her bastard of husband knew. He chased the boy off, but he was also the one who molested my 8 year old niece. He was her step-father. One of my other sisters was having a rocky marriage, where she accused her husband of various harmful things and was scared to be with him (it was later determined that part of his actions were due to an illness he has -- MS). I discovered that I had a brother I didn't know about, and still know nothing about. I learned other things about my family that were best left not knowing; but was told because I was 18 and it was "time". Bleh.

College was in and of itself its own experience. In my freshman year, I roomed with my best friend Wendy Krauss, despite my parents assuring me that it would be a horrible mistake. Oh no. No. I thought to myself. They're wrong. Wendy and I are best friends. We'll be fine. I ignored the fact that she managed to chase her first year roommate away from her. Figured it was Claire, not Wendy, who was problematic. Roomed with Wendy freshman year. Wendy turned out to be the psycho bitch from hell. I think she and Darrick's Jen are running mates really for that title. Though, in many respects, Wendy was far far worse, to the point where I was driven away from the room. Sophomore year was not so bad, nor was Junior save for that whole *cough* experience we had in Tawes Theatre.

Issues with Darrick arose freshman year, where I should have left him then, but I didn't. He completely violated my trust in him, and was a bastard, but I forgave him for it and things seemed to smooth over. There were other things, after that year, that he did which made me feel like less than a person. But, given that I had no one to really speak to about matters, and such topics are not ones that I particularly care to discuss (that whole modesty issue), I didn't do anything about them, and in those things that I very clearly stated my desires, I was ignored in favor of what he wanted instead, and so... well... it just became a vicious cycle -- but not in a vicious manner. Eventually, it's what made us break up in the end, which is something I've long since come to realize, and really it's for the better. I just have to learn to be less bitter about it.

Tonight, I realized the one person I despised most and hated in college was also, at some times, the one person I trusted most, Stephen Fuchs. Yes, he was a slimey bastard. He didn't hide that fact. But, he also had his moments where he'd completely surprise you. But, that's beyond the point :P He's the one who got us into that trouble in Tawes Theatre *coughs more*

There's just a long, long deeply rooted history here. It's not all attributed back to my mother. Yes, her death had a large impact in my life, but it was hardly the thing that led to how I feel about people in general. It's a few isolated instances and not all people are scum, I realize that, but it's those few instances which just... stand out and color everything for me. It's hard for me to let people in. The walls are steadfast and have always been there. The only person I ever let truly penetrate them was Darrick, and well, we know how that turned out :P

Though, perhaps that's not entirely true. There was one other person I trusted completely, even more than Darrick. That was my mother, and with her loss I no longer felt I had a support network. Did I blame her for her death? No. That's not something you can really lay any blame for. It just happened. Life happens. it was her time and while I'd like to say I understood that, I certainly didn't. Losing my mother was losing a large part of who I was. She was the person I leaned on most, talked to most, did everything with. Everyone always says that girls are closests to their fathers, but I wasn't. And, quite honestly, I cringe every time I hear a woman or a girl dissing on their mother, because mine was absolutely and without a doubt more a best friend to me than anyone ever in my life, and so losing her was very hard. There was nothing I couldn't share with her, and she wouldn't understand. Including *cough* spending a weekend with 3 boys and 3 girls at a hotel and er... yeah. Sharing rooms. We spun a story, of course, but she figured it out :P

I suppose on some level I want to find someone in my life that I can trust as utterly and completely as I did her with everything that happened to me or the questions I had to ask. Sure, there are people I trust with certain things, but there's not one single person I can point to and say, I trust you with everything.

It's all interconnected.



( 2 comments — Leave a comment )
Jun. 17th, 2006 01:07 pm (UTC)
there are things I could say, but would rather I think in person. So:

Jun. 19th, 2006 03:42 pm (UTC)
*hug* I think, slowly, you're building up a new support network. You were pretty closed off when I met you and you've opened up to us a lot since then. Your journal posts are the next evolution of that. I count myself lucky to be one of the people you can trust certain things to.
( 2 comments — Leave a comment )


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