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"Once More with Feeling..."

So, watching Buffy last night, “Once More with Feeling”, I realized the musical episode is pretty much a metaphor for my life, at least in part. It’s eerie how I closely I can relate to some of the songs, though I suppose if people look hard enough they can too. The show is about living life, not just going through the motions, and the desire to find something that sparks the will to live life to its fullest potential.

It’s something I’ve been sorely lacking in my own life; that spark, that desire. I’ve just been going through the motions, waking up, managing to get through the day, finding something that distracts me and then going to bed and repeating the process all over again. When I wake up the next morning, it’s with a very distinct groan and no desire at all to face the day and certainly no reason to really wake up, ever. None. I have to force myself to get up and go about “Going Through the Motions”. It’s a not good feeling.

I think that’s why I’ve been so adamant about finding something else to do within my life, something that I might find enjoyment in again and might re-ignite that spark, like with dance, or theatre or finding a place to ride again. It’s not just cabin fever that has me feeling this way. It’s deeper, and constantly staying home certainly is doing nothing to help with that.

I very rarely, if ever, take risks, but we all know that. I’ve said it time and again. Life is about risks and taking them. I’ve holed myself away from everyone and everything. It’s easy to burrow down so far and so deep that you forget how to let anyone or anything in, because those walls are built quite high. It’s also easy to fool people into thinking those walls and barriers have come down, because while it appears that one or two have gone down, many more have gone up in other places, or old ones have been replaced.

As much as I might like to lament about the past, and let’s face it, I’m very good about doing that, I really don’t want the past back. The past is the past. I want to forge ahead with life, with new challenges and experiences to help mold and shape me. The hardest part about that is allowing those new things to actually come into my life. Taking risk is not easy, but no one ever said it would be. It’s darned scary, terrifying even.

I’ve nearly got myself convinced that I really don’t have any friends out there, which is darned silly, because I know there are people out there who care about me. It just doesn’t feel that way because I keep them all at arm’s length, never quite letting them past my barriers. I don’t really talk to them. Hell, I don’t talk to anyone. When I do, I’m usually monosyllabic or brief or because I don’t know how to properly express what it is I want to say or could say or should say. Or, I just draw a blank entirely, quite literally.

So how does a person who’s very good at running away from everyone and everything, including herself, find the courage to move forward? I thought I had, once. I was wrong. I got burned. So how do I do it again? And, how do I do it without constantly obsessing over the mistakes I’ve made over X number of years ago when I took that original risk, and not kick myself over it, over and over again to the point of being afraid of taking risk ever again? I’m my hardest critic, I beat myself up over and over and over again about the mistakes I’ve made, opening myself to people and being disappointed in their reactions, or simply setting myself up to fail. I’m even critical about the compliments which I receive because most of the time I don’t believe them, even if that person is well meaning and means every word that they say. I usually smirk, nod my head and think to myself – Yeah, right.

If I could find the answer to those questions, maybe doing the things I want and moving on would make the process somewhat easier to undertake.

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( 1 comment — Leave a comment )
adamdray
Jul. 26th, 2006 05:37 pm (UTC)
Talk to those people about your inability to communicate what you want, and they can help.

How do you learn to trust again? Stop trying so hard to get it right before you take the first step. You won't feel comfortable going there, but no one does. If you wait for it to be easy, life will pass you by. It's gonna be really fucking hard, but you can do it because you are strong, and it'll be worth it. And, yes, at some point, you will get hurt again but you'll get through it because you are strong, and it'll be worth it.

So, you don't have to stop second-guessing everyone. You don't have to start trusting everyone. You don't have to believe in yourself. You just have to go through the motions of opening yourself up, even if you're not, and it'll start to happen on its own. Or it won't and you'll be no worse off.
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