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Of Walls and Shields... and Why July Sucks

I'm not quite sure I can articulate very well the things I've been feeling of late, though I'm going to try. It seems to me over the past few months that I've started to let those old walls of mine creep back up on me. It's not a bad thing, but it's not necessarily a good things. It means I'm more reserved and withdrawn than I've been in some time. I don't like that it's happening again, because what usually happens is that I systematically close myself off from everyone, and that's not good, but at the same time there's a part of me that longs for the comforts of those walls -- hiding behind them and not letting anything or anyone get to me.

In part, it's happening because lately I've been thinking about things best left in the past. It never helps to dwell, but sometimes you can't help but let yourself dwell. This time of the year is never good for me. July is a month that simply needs to be erased from the world, as far as I'm concerned -- and those of you who were born this month? We'll just shift your birthdays a month before or after. This is the month that my mother died. In fact, I'll be taking off the 21st -- the day she died. It's not a day that I can work on, or even conceivably accomplish anything. I'll likely go to the movies or do some other sort of thing.

So, if you feel me pushing you away -- don't take it personally. It's just a bad month for me and eventually things will blow over and I'll bounce back. I hope. I always do.


( 3 comments — Leave a comment )
Jul. 18th, 2005 12:38 am (UTC)
I'll share. I am the same way every April, every April 16th in fact...every day of my life, I look at the clock at 4:16, it annoys me. It's my son's birthday. He died March 21st, but that is just one day of a life of pain. His birthday is always the day that rips me apart (well, and Christmas...children focused holidays bother me.). Every year I close up, retreat, get bitter during April.

Don't try to deny it, let it happen...but come to terms with being upset. I've come up with ways to handle this, we release ballons, we've gone to visit, we celebrate his memory with others...all my nephews will know about their cousin who is no longer here.
Jul. 18th, 2005 03:06 am (UTC)
       *quietly hugs*
Jul. 18th, 2005 12:27 pm (UTC)
*Long Distance Hug*
( 3 comments — Leave a comment )


Nynrose - Lisa Christie
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