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A Good Week...

This week I've been the happiest I've been that I can think of in a long, long time. I can't explain it. I can't explain the feeling. I just want to capture it and keep it with me so I remember what it's like when I feel myself slipping into a dark place. I've been in a dark place for a long time, and it's good not to be there anymore.

I think in part it helps that I don't have this looming shadow of whether or not I'm going to be able to make rent or pay my bills or any of the 'normal' life things hanging over my head anymore. Granted, they are still worries, but they are no longer the huge cumbersome things that they were just a few short months ago, causing me no end of stress. I can finally get myself straight and settled, and save money again. Seeing my nest egg dwindle and go away was something that has been wearing on me for some time.

Getting my money issues somewhat settled is only part of the reason I'm feeling this way. There are other reasons too. I've finally been able to face some of the demons that have been haunting me these past several months. Everyone has their own personal demons, of course, but I tend to make a mountain out of a mole hill on most occassions. I have this tendency to be a chronic worrier and over stress about the simplest things. I've been kicking myself over something that happened months and months ago and wasn't able to let it go. That's not the case any more. I was able to make peace with myself and I can finally move on. This is a good thing for me, as it was something that was often putting me in a dark place that I didn't like to be. That won't happen now.

Reading over my old diaries from my college years recently have also helped. I didn't keep up with writing in my diary regularly, but when I did made certain to record how I felt and mostly the reasons why I felt the way I did. I realize now that I should have read them more often, as they have some very eye opening revelations about things that have happened in my life revolving around Darrick that I could have stood to benefit from before that whole nasty breakup. Unfortuantely, my mother's death affected pretty badly and so I grew blind to just what kind of person Darrick really was, even though there was evidence to the contrary written in my diary before my mother's death occured. It's taken some time to realize it, but I'm honestly glad that part of my life is now rather solidly behind me and I no longer question why things happened they way they did. I just accept them for what they are and learn from them.


Nynrose - Lisa Christie
Cuendillar MUSH

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